I love doughnuts, at least the first bite or two and then they become sort of boring. I’ll labor through the whole box or bag in a perverse form of dedication. Even though I love doughnuts I try to eat a doughnut or two only several times a year. Just because I love doughnuts doesn’t mean they’re good for me.
In 2015 I started to have some health issues. I was putting off doing anything about them because they would either go away or I was going to see the doctor anyway in a week. Things came to a head that weekend when I realized I had an enlarged lymph node – it felt huge. That and the periodic fevers and other stuff caused my partner to put down her foot and say we’re going to the doctor Monday morning.
The doctor’s office squeezed me in for an appointment and I was feeling like an idiot for making a big fuss. The doctor examined me, discovered other enlarged lymph nodes, got this look on his face, and left the examination room. We could see him across the hall talking to people in the lab. I looked to my partner and she looked to me and I thought that’s strange.
He came back, sat in a chair and said, “We’re going to be aggressive about this, I promise you.”
I said, “What’s this?”
“Lymphoma.”
He started me on some antibiotics in case this was an infection and scheduled me for an ultrasound of the largest node.
It was definitely time for some doughnuts. They tasted good, especially after doing some research at the library about lymphoma.
Two weeks later he had the ultrasound results and the antibiotics weren’t having a noticeable effect so he sent me off for a second opinion. That opinion was also lymphoma and I was scheduled for surgery to remove a node for pathology.
I love doing research and I did a ton of research. At this stage of diagnosis about 38% of the time the pathology report will not show cancer but some other issue. That was the number that stuck in my head until the night before surgery when I realized that meant about two thirds of the time pathology will show lymphoma.
The surgeon told my partner while I was in recovery that he thought everything would be okay. Since we were in town anyway we went shopping. I think I got my streak of optimism from my mother.
In the end, it was an infection of unknown source.
The sad thing is that my doctor died last year, unexpectedly, and I miss him. He was one of those people where you can see the child they were. Bright eyed, imaginative and inquisitive, a bundle of energy. He emigrated from the Middle East when he was sixteen, was someone who gave so much to his adopted country. I miss him and doughnuts won’t help.
This is what I posted on FetLife a few weeks ago. When these events were happening in 2015 one of Kelsey’s family members called it “a hard time for family dads.” Her brother’s father was in ICU in Colorado, our daughter’s birth father was in ICU in Miami on life support. The daughter was down there faced with the decision of whether or not to pull the plug. He lived alone, had a massive stroke, and wasn’t found until several days afterward. His doctors didn’t expect him to live and if he did live wouldn’t have much brain function. She decided not to pull the plug.
She was really pissed when we told her after the fact what had been going on with us but accepted our reasoning that she already had more than enough to deal with.
The father in Colorado is okay, I’m okay, and the daughter’s father in Miami survived. He’s able to talk but not able to live on his own — he’s in an assisted care facility where the nurses love him. There have been rumors of a romance.
One of the reasons for the FetLife post was to remind myself that I didn’t need to go off the deep end. After a physical in early January my new doctor brought up the c-word in a new context and sent me off to a specialist. The specialist called me Tuesday with the pathology report from the biopsy and it was good news. Again.